


Decapito!

by leopharry



Category: Homestuck
Genre: General Awkwardness, References to Decapitation, general silliness, this is such bullshit and I'm not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 09:24:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6512626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leopharry/pseuds/leopharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk just... REALLY wants someone to cut his head off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decapito!

“There’s no other way around it,” Dirk sighed morosely. “You’re going to have to decapitate me.”

Dave pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly. “Dude, what, no. Just go talk to him. Like pulling a bandaid bro, just go over there and be like, ‘sup sup, noticed you took out almost the entire gang of random ass green dudes and knocked Lord English down a peg or two with your crazy Hope powers, good job, bro.’ It’s that simple.”

“It really isn’t,” Dirk said, looking over where Jake was talking animatedly with John and Jade, seeming to finally be comfortable now that he was around people who he figured didn’t perceive him as some sort of failure or social reject. “I don’t think we got around to it during our rooftop feelings jam, but you really do not have even the slightest clue how royally I screwed the pooch where he’s concerned.”

“Look, man,” Dave said, noticing Karkat heading over, on his way back from the bathroom. “Okay. Just. You don’t have to get all prostrate on him all at once or anything. Just strike up a random conversation about whatever, it’ll be fine. Apologies can come later, when we’re all a little less stoked about, you know, still being alive.”

“That’s just fine and fuckin’ dandy, but what if he--” Dirk started, only to turn around and find that Dave had abandoned him to go talk to his troll-of-indeterminate-relationship-status. Dirk put his hand to his forehead and sighed heavily. What if Jake didn’t want to talk to him? That’s what he was really nervous about. If he knew one way or the other whether Jake was receptive to his conversation and, eventually, apologies, he’d go over there right now and throw himself at the dude’s feet. But the fact remained that there was a perfectly equal chance Jake would cut him off, tell him he didn’t want to be bothered, and have done with it. Dirk wouldn’t blame him if that were the case. He’d gotten pretty... intense, towards the end of it. He could barely stand to reflect on those few months without feeling so disgusted and ashamed, he was half tempted to cut off his own head. If the universe had any compassion at all, that would be a Just death and he would never have to face those embarrassing memories again.

He was just thinking about the likelihood of the universe granting him his wish now that they’d won the game when Roxy came sauntering over.

“What’s up, dork?” she asked, nudging him in the ribs. 

“Contemplating my chances of earning myself a Just death through auto-decapitation so I don’t have to face my own insufficient social skills,” he said drily. “You?”

Roxy’s face fell flat before she snorted. “Don’t even tell me. This is about Jake, right?” When Dirk nodded, Roxy laughed. “Dirk, you freakin’ doofus, just go talk to him. He’s  _ right there _ . He’s still high on having proved himself in battle or whatever it was that was so important to him. If there’s ever a good time to talk to him, it’d be now.”

Dirk frowned, glancing over at him behind the safety of his shades. He was still chatting eagerly with John and Jade. Dirk bit his lip. “Okay, but. What do I even say to him? He and I haven’t talked in...” Dirk hissed lightly through his teeth. “A long time. Barring Trickster Mode, because that was such utter bullshit, and I am ashamed to even think about that conversation.”

Roxy rolled her eyes, a shit-eating grin plastered on her face. “Anything, dude, it doesn’t even matter. Tell him....” Her eyes lit up, and her grin widened alarmingly. “Tell him he was damn fine on the battlefield. But like. Emphasize ‘fine.’ Wink at him over your shades. Make it coy as fuck over there. Make him sweat a little in his little hood.”

“Roxy, what the fuck,” Dirk asked, horrified. “That is probably the worst way to go about this.”

Roxy snickered. “Yeah, probably,” she granted. Then she shrugged. “So just wing it. You’re quippy and intelligent, I’m sure you’ll come up with something.”

“That idea might possibly be even worse,” he said, gripping his forearm. “Knowing me I’d wind up sticking my whole goddamn foot in my mouth and ruining any chance I have at reconciliation.” He eyed the sword that Roxy had taken with her after her battle with the Batterwitch. “You sure we can’t just...?”

Roxy rolled her eyes, the grin finally dropping from her face. “Dirk, you have asked me to just decapitate you like, a million times since we all met back up. I can’t even tell if you’re joking anymore.”

“I promise you I’m not,” Dirk muttered darkly, quiet enough so Roxy couldn’t hear him.

“But none of us are going to cut off your stupid head, so just suck it up and go talk to him,” Roxy said. She glanced over his shoulder and said, “Oh, look, here he comes now.”

“What?” Dirk asked, his tone completely flat, and as he turned to look, he felt Roxy shove him directly into Jake’s path. 

When he caught himself and stood upright again, he was face to face with Jake, who was looking at him in surprise. Dirk’s jaw dropped open, and he attempted to say something, but just kind of stood there looking like a gasping fish while his traitor face promptly rocketed through various shades of red.

“Uh...” Jake started. “Hello, Dirk.”

“Sup,” Dirk said, his voice gone hoarse. He cleared his throat, and as he did so, he heard the entire room go quiet, and felt the eyes of everybody land on him. “Uh.”

“So...” Jake started, looking away from him down towards the floor in between them. 

“Yeah...” Dirk replied, shoving his hands in the pockets of his asshole pants, looking up towards the infinite void of space, and, if it were possible, he definitely just went even redder. Smooth, Strider. Real fuckin’ cool. You two'll be back on easy street in no time.

“Hm,” Jake hummed, rocking back and forth on his heels, obstinately looking anywhere but at Dirk.

“Uh...” Dirk started, realizing he had no idea what he was going to say. Jake looked at him for a moment expectantly, and Dirk snapped his mouth shut and shook his head.

Jake nodded. “Um... not to, uh. Cut this short, chap, but... I need to use the facilities,” he said awkwardly, pointing his thumb toward the bathroom.

“Right,” Dirk said, stepping out of Jake’s way. “Sorry for, um. Gettin’ in the way.”

“S’fine,” he said. “So. Talk to you later, then?”

“Sure, sure,” Dirk said airily, tipping his head up toward space again and nodding. “Yeah. Talk to you later.”

Jake nodded once, quickly, then scurried off to the bathroom. Dirk glanced around the room, and everybody hurriedly immersed themselves in conversation again in an attempt to seem like they weren’t eavesdropping. Dirk scouted out Dave in the crowd and made his way over.

“Dave, bro, are you sure you wouldn't just do me a solid and--”

“God dammit, Dirk, NO.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am not even kidding you. This whole fucking... meme or whatever now, it's just. It gives me life. I don't even care how the comic ends anymore, I am just so in love with this fucking joke that Dirk wants to be decapitated over the most minor of inconveniences and I have no shame.
> 
> I wrote this garbage in less than an hour and I will defend it until I am cold in my god damn grave.


End file.
